Toxic People and High School Torment

  Ugh. Where to start today? I have so many topics running through my head. Removing toxic people from your life, or Does What Happens in High School actually affect your adult life? I think that we can possibly touch on both without getting too long.... I'll try!
     Okay, toxic people. I removed an entire family(who is a part of my family) entirely from my life around 10 years ago. Yes, it was necessary;  I was going through a nasty divorce and they were inserting themselves where they really didn't need to be and making things a lot tougher than they needed to be.  Do I regret doing so? No. They made their decision about the part they wanted to play in my life when they sided with my ex-husband in our divorce. Do I ever think about letting them back into my life? Yes. I have actually tried a few times, and there are a couple of members that I have allowed limited access into my life. When I tried with certain members, it soon became evident that they were only keeping a place in my life to report back to my ex-husband what was going on in my life. For example, We had been divorced for 2 years, and I had remarried. My husband and I were expecting a baby; and certain members of this family cornered my mom at her job and asked her why I hadn't informed my ex-husband about my pregnancy. Yes, it is sad that I had to remove members of my family from my life. I'm not happy about it, but for my peace of mind, it had to be done. I don't regret it, and I doubt I ever will.
    Now, does what happens in high school affect your adult life? To an extent I believe it can. I don't think that the petty disagreements and the little tiffs that go on make much of a difference, but I do think that some of the bigger things can cause some lasting problems. I was very small, quiet,  and wanted to be liked in high school. This led to me being picked on a lot. There are times that I was physically picked up and thrown into the locker room shower...At one time, the girls in the locker room were trying to carry me into the bathroom to give me a swirly...I actually fought back that time, which resulted in my having my face slapped, but at least I managed to avoid having my head dunked in the toilet. I now do have extreme anxiety and I really worry about things that I say and what people's reaction to it will be. Now, I realize that I am an adult; and those things rarely happen; but I still have a huge fear of public showers, as well. Do I feel that what happened in high school caused me to have anxiety as an adult? I don't really know. I do think that it played a part. You don't hear a lot from the kids that were picked on in high school, because most of them were too scared to speak up...I'm actually terrified at the reaction to this blog post; but what will be, will be. I'm done hiding and letting these things torment me. 
     To close: Removing toxic people from your life and gaining closure by talking about things that have been locked away for almost 20 years can do nothing but help you! I hope this blog post gives y'all the courage to get things off your chest, or remove that toxic individual from your life!

Busier days

     Well, when I said busy times were coming, I wasn't kidding! I didn't realize exactly how busy it was going to get! The NP CHILD showed her horse at the district and state 4H shows, coming home with the district 4H Senior showmanship championship and the Senior performance high point at district show; reserve champion state 4H showmanship as well! She's had a great show season. We have 1 association show left, and the county fair starts tomorrow, so wish us luck! The BABY got her first really good ribbon at the show last night; placing 2nd out of 5 in leadline. She's growing up so fast!! The GAMER was here for around 6 weeks this summer, and he did some riding as well. He actually did extremely well in the Buckaroo age division this year. It was so nice to spend some extra time with him! The NP CHILD spent a lot of time at overnight activities this year, so the BABY, THAT CHILD and the GAMER got to spend a lot of quality time together with myself and the BEAST. 
  We have been so busy this year that the NP CHILD actually opted out of showing cattle this year at the fair...She just didn't have enough time to get them ready, and I am so proud of her for realizing that she didn't have the time to do them justice. The first heifer that she showed, however; calved a really nice bull calf about a month ago. Only bull calves were born here this year, so if the NP CHILD wants to show a heifer next year, we're going to have to purchase one. But that's more in the future. THAT CHILD has decided not to show anything at the fair this year, and I'm going to respect that decision, except for the crafts that he has made that I saved for him to enter. Today is what I think of as the "calm before the storm". All heck is about to break loose tomorrow! Good Luck to you and yours this county fair season!   

Busy times!

     It has been a long, busy 7 months of no posts here! We now have a 3 year old, a 7 year old and a 15 year old living in this house! The GAMER is still staying in Minnesota; but he turned 14 this spring as well!  Time just keeps on moving along!  For the time being we have been super busy with birthdays, holidays, fundraisers, sports, 4H and show season...It's coming WAY faster than any of us planned! Now it's just about upon us, and we aren't ready...But we will be!  Practice definitely makes perfect! School is going great, for THAT CHILD and the NP CHILD, and the BABY is learning and talking up a storm... We are definitely starting to get more independent and wanting to do more.  The GAMER will be coming down to visit for the summer soon; and I am as nervous as I would be as if I were going on a first blind date! 
     It has been an absolute whirlwind of activity the last 2 weeks, what with horse shows, activities, awards ceremonies and school getting out for summer! I'm so glad that it's finally out and we have the summer with the kids home; so we aren't trying to fit riding/showmanship practices into the couple of hours after school. Let me just tell you, trying to get 4 horses worked between 4 and 7 isn't the easiest thing to get done! And we have a heifer that is to the point where she's going to need to stand tied and be rinsed twice a day...It is a busy season for sure! District horse show is coming up and we haven't looked at the patterns yet! It all gets busier and busier! Good luck this summer to you and yours, God Bless!

STAND!

  For once, this blog isn't going to have anything to do with my life or my children. I was scrolling through my facebook news feed this morning; and it was totally blown up with the NFL and the kneeling for the anthem. And as I started reading the comments, there were people defending it; saying things like: "you know that they aren't protesting the military, they are protesting Trump", "they're protesting the government" or "it's an equality issue". You know what? I really don't care. Do you think that my 92-year old WWII veteran neighbor cares?  All he sees is people in a position to be such great role models for kids disrespecting a flag that represents a country that he fought to protect.  Do you think that any war veteran cares about their protests? These veterans put their lives on hold to fight for our freedom. Sometimes at the expense of their family, their home, their lives as they knew it. They PROTECTED this country! There were dads that didn't meet their babies until they were almost a year old, families that lost their homes because their mortgage company wasn't sympathetic to the fact that they were overseas fighting for our freedom, families that were separated because they couldn't make their marriage work after so much time apart.  The REASON we stand for the anthem is out of respect for those who were willing to put their lives on hold, possibly to die, for us to have the CHOICE to sit or stand for the anthem. No one is making you do anything...But for me, I honor those people by standing.

Just My Honest Opinion

     Yesterday a large and very colorful part of my childhood went to heaven. A man that I loved like my own family. Days like that I wish that Minnesota was just a short drive away. It seems that there is so much loss in life. Two years ago around Christmas the same thing happened, a man that I had been fond of my entire life passed unexpectedly. Thank God that I was up there visiting; and was able to attend his wake. The very next year that man's wife passed right around Thanksgiving, and I was again visiting family; but weather made attending the services impossible.  It makes a person wonder... God is supposed to be Omnipotent and Omnipresent...Does He engineer these things to happen when they are convenient? In the last 2 situations I mentioned, I would say yes. But there are others that were so inconvenient... I'm not quite understanding the lesson to be learned there yet. 
       Second-guessing things is in my nature...It took me a very long time to figure out that I need to filter what I say sometimes...Now I realize that stopping and thinking about what I say is probably better than blurting out the first thing that is on my mind. This practice has helped with my temper, as well. I don't like confrontation; but if I am pushed, and pushed, etc; and frustration is allowed to build, I will react; and it more than likely will not be what is expected from me. I don't like this part of myself; but it's what happens. 
       Another thing that has been on my mind in the last couple of days is social media. I don't understand how a person can be a warrior when they are in front of a keyboard; but a mouse when they are spoken to publicly.   I have seen it more and more since the presidential election. I'm all for people having their own opinion and sharing such opinion; but there is no reason to degrade another person for the beliefs that they have. I do not care if you are black, white, purple, red, blue, or whatever. I believe that we would be better served to start talking to each other in person again. Just my Honest opinion!

With God All Things are Possible!

    It has been a tough, busy week around here and we are only 2 days in...That doesn't bode well for the rest of the week! Sunday, the 27th; made 18 years since I lost someone very near and dear to me... I will forever wonder who he would have turned out to be. Would he have finished vet school? Gotten married? Had kids? Would we still even be friends? And I also have to reflect on who I am without his presence in my life... 1999-2000 was a really hard year for me. To be 17 and lose someone that was that big a presence in your life is really traumatic. My grades suffered a little bit, but I think, for the most part I came out pretty good. I never did decide what i want to be when I grow up... I absolutely loved working as a nursing assistant, and I loved working in restorative nursing even more; but neither was a career choice of mine...I took the CNA class because it was offered at the local college... I took the TMA class because I had 2 friends going and it would give me that little bit more on my name badge... Now I'm a stay at home mom, horse show judge, and lesson instructor.  I LOVE these jobs most of the time. 
    That being said, the most of the time part kicked in hard yesterday...The NP Child lost the adapter for the horse trailer, so the BEAST had to find another one. THAT CHILD fell asleep on the way to town and fell out of the truck when I opened the door, The BABY was probably the only thing that acted the way it was supposed to yesterday. We did 4H club pictures last night. It was quite a trial getting there, but we made it and got them done, even in the monsoon of rain that we got on top of everything. God obviously tested me yesterday...But, we made it; we got the pictures taken, everything got done the way it was supposed to. I can't complain. With God all things are possible! (Even the ones that seem completely, utterly impossible!)

Let Go and Let God.

   It has been the larger portion of a year since I have posted anything here... Things have changed since Christmas last year; I think for the better, mostly. THAT child started first grade and is doing well. The NP Child started 8th grade doing 2 Pre-AP classes, and with a boyfriend. The BABY is talking up a storm and generally being adorable, if not a little naughty. The GAMER is still living with his father, 900 miles away; and has had a recent diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. For those who don't know what that is, it is a higher-functioning form of autism.  It is referred to as the genius syndrome, because the people who have it are generally very intelligent. Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and  Temple Grandin are said to have been afflicted with it.
    My faith and friendships have grown in the last year; even without attending the church that we had been going to.  I learned to rely on God even when I wasn't directed to...I'm still looking for a church that is the right fit for us; but I am still seeing God work in my life. I feel like I have grown as an individual, and I think that we have grown as a family. A couple of years ago a diagnosis like the GAMER just got would have thrown me in to a full-fledged panic attack, and I would have been on my way up there the very next day. Now I am able to look at it from a much more calm perspective.
     I am so thankful to each and every one of the people I have met in the past year, as they have made a big difference in my life; as well as all of my old friends. I have learned how to embrace the good, and let go of the bad. I have truly learned how to "Let go and let God."