Let go and let God!

     I do everything by routine, that's just the way I'm built. I get up every day at 6:45. I wake up the NP child, then I get dressed for the day and get the BABY dressed. I wake up THAT child and get him dressed, and let him watch 10 minutes of cartoons. We then leave for school at 7:15. I call my mom around 7:35. Then I drop the NP child at the elementary school, and take THAT child to his preschool and help him with his morning duties there. Then he usually pushes me out the door. If I don't have any errands to run, I usually go straight home. I feed the horses by 10AM, and then the BABY and I go in and pick up the house. When the Young and the Restless is over at 12:00 I usually sit down with the BABY so she can take her nap. At 1:30 I wake her up so we can get ready to leave at 2 to pick up THAT child at preschool by 2:30, and be back to pick up the NP child by 3. We go and get them a snack, then we go home. On every day but Wednesday we sit down and relax for 30 minutes. At 5PM I feed the horses and the outside dogs. At 6 we eat supper, at 8 THAT child takes his bath, and at 8:30 he goes to bed. I go to bed at 10. I give the NP child the option to go to bed at 10 or 10:30, as long as she can get up in the morning and I don't get any complaints from her teacher that she is tired.  Adding things to my weekly routine takes planning for me. Wednesdays we do chores as soon as we get home, and we leave for church at 5.
     My friends quite possibly have no idea that my life is so regimented. I love having a routine, and my kids crave it. They know what happens at any time in the day. I hope that ya'all understand that I'm not criticizing anyone. I would love to be able to fly by the seat of my pants, but I can't, it just doesn't feel right to me. I have to have order, and everything just so. But I have begun to learn not to worry about things I can't control. I have begun to "let go, and let God" This mantra has done amazing things for my life. I'm much calmer and less apt to fly into a panic attack at the drop of a hat. Anxiety is not a pretty thing to deal with, and it's not fun at all, but with God, all things are possible. I am proof of that. I haven't had a panic attack in almost a year; which is around the same amount of time that I have been attending my church. In April I will have been attending there for a year. And, while it is a routine to attend church every Wednesday and Sunday, the church is anything but routine!
      I guess the moral of the story is that we do whatever we have to do to survive, but it's a lot better and a lot easier when we let go and let God!

Preschool

     Such a busy weekend! We had some of the BEAST's family down from Minnesota, I went to a horse sale, church on Sunday, business meeting afterward, then lunch with the family before they headed back to the frozen northland... It's these shining moments; however brief, that get us through in our lives. This morning I had a parent meeting for THAT child's preschool. I love being so involved with his schooling and with our church. It makes a huge difference! I actually feel "tied in" to what's going on there! It's really nice, especially because I grew up in a family that valued work...I'm not saying that parents shouldn't work if that's the choice they make. I worked when the NP child and the GAMER were kids, and worked overnights when THAT child was younger. I just chose, with all the changes that my children went through when we moved, to keep one thing constant and stay home with them while I could. No judgement to parents that work at all!
     Being so hands on with his school is wonderful for me. I like knowing how he behaved, what he's doing, and how he's progressing. I do think that they are making kids learn way too much in preschool now... I learned shapes, colors, letters, how to cut with scissors, et cetera. THAT child came home the other day and asked the NP child "Who made the American flag? Betsy Ross!"He also knows who the first president of the United States was. But, he's learning, and it keeps his mind busy. It gives me mixed feelings. I love that he's learning and can remember these things, but how much is too much, and at what age is too young?

Submission or Control?

     What a busy day! Garage sale, horse sale, family here from Minnesota... The BABY did very well on her first day without mama....6 hours with the NP child and the BEAST. I'm just wondering if I did the right thing by leaving. I had made plans to go to the horse sale with some friends before our visitors decided that they were coming. Should I have cancelled? I normally would have, but I dug in my heels today and decided to go. It sure seems like everyone got along fine without me!
      I know that God tells us that wives should submit to their husbands, but where is the line between submission and control? I love my husband with everything that I am; but I already was in a very controlling and mentally abusive relationship. I know that I shouldn't, but sometimes I'm very sure that I take it out on the BEAST. I don't mean to, but I do. He's a good man. Basically lets me do whatever I want to do, within reason. Why do I feel that I have to react when he tells me to do something or asks me not to do something? I know deep down that he's not asking me to control me, but I sometimes push against the wall anyway.  The BEAST goes out of his way to try and give me everything I want. I hit the marriage jackpot with him.
      I need to spend some time thinking about this myself. I need to pray about it and see how I feel afterwards. I do understand what the BEAST is trying to do, but I am so programmed to have a violent reaction after being married to the NP child and the GAMER's father. And their dad is still trying to control me to this day. I don't know how I feel about that; but I will figure it out before my visit to Minnesota for the summer, that's for certain.

Days of Heartbreak

     There are days.... I tell ya. I just want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head. The GAMER was supposed to come down here for the BABY's dedication ceremony on Easter Sunday; but now his father isn't allowing him to come down. He also tried to take him in the truck with him on the week that we were in Minnesota for Christmas. I don't know what to even say. My heart is broken that he won't be at his sister's dedication. It's such a special moment, but I shouldn't have expected anything different! On a brighter note, THAT child's horse is going to be delivered this afternoon. I need to keep my focus on the good things in my life right now, because it's so easy to dwell on the bad. 
      I have problems with depression and panic attacks, and focusing on the good in my life has helped me to control these. I just hope that someday, he understands what it's like to be kept from his child. It tears me down to the bone. Just because I have 3 other children doesn't mean that I don't love them all equally and individually. Even when the GAMER had me so frustrated I had to leave the area; I still had his best interests and love in my heart. 
      I'm going to place this issue in the hands of the Lord, and see how it all works out. If the GAMER was meant to come down, it will happen. I refuse to allow myself to be dragged into an argument about it. There are documents in place for these issues, and if I have to have them enforced, I will; but turning to God is where my heart is leading me right now. For some reason I feel such peace when I think of my conversations with Him. He will always lead in the right direction, whether we think it's right or not.

Keep Your Fork

    Rain, rain, rain! I hope I can last another 2 days past today in this! It just makes everything seem so depressing! I can't take the BABY outside, and her favorite thing to do is go and see the horses. I would love to be out riding my horses, but can't in the rain... And probably not for a couple of days afterward, because the ground will be too soft. Ish. I hate being a complainer! The good thing about the rain is that I get to play with the BABY more than I would if I were in and out of the house all day long...The weather is getting nice and warm, so it's fun to take her outside and do things. I can't wait to get my flowerbeds in...Sounds so beautiful. My rose bush and my clematis all have buds and leaves on them, and the daffodils have been blooming for a couple of weeks. My spirits are starting to lift already!
     So simple to raise your spirits just with the thought of things to come. That's the way we should all feel about life...I once read a story called "Keep Your Fork", about a woman who always reminded people to keep their fork, the best was yet to come. I believe at the end of the story they buried her with her fork, but I don't remember. I wish that it was easier for me to remember that the best is yet to come in my daily life. These trials that we go through on a daily basis are just the main course, the best is still coming!  Everything in our lives points to this. The dormancy of plants in the winter, and their subsequent blooming in the spring, the tests that we go through, the hard times, they are there to remind us that there are better things in this life. Not everything is bad. When we look back on our bad times, it's so much easier to see that they are a test afterwards than it was in the beginning.
      I feel like the way things are now is just the main course. God is there telling us to keep our fork, because the best is yet to come. I can't believe that He would have chosen someone like me to share his kingdom with. And as his heir, to make it more special! 

Humility

     Ever get the feeling that everything is working against you? That's the way I feel today. I am supposed to pick up a pony on Friday, and it's been raining for 2 days and we are in a flash flood watch.... I guess if it will happen when it happens...Years ago something like this would have started a full-scale panic attack...Now I am so much more at peace with my life. I can still feel the panic inside, but I am much more able to control it now.When I fully accepted the Lord into my life, peace settled over me. Little things don't set me off into a tailspin like they used to.
     God is such a great Father...Today the BABY is combing my hair, and chewing on her comb. I look at her and my heart is full of such love.That is the way that God feels about each and every one of us! How amazing is that?! The Omnipotent, Omnipresent God loves ME! The God that created each and every thing loves me as His child. Wow. When I think about that it's a little overwhelming, and I feel a little unworthy.... I am humbled by the thought of Him loving me that much.
     Humility is defined as a modest or low view of one's importance. Sounds about right when you think of how we should feel before God. Humbled and unworthy. 

Frustration and Hypocrisy

    Do you ever have one of those days when everything is frustrating, but you just have to plug on? That was yesterday for me. No matter what I did, the BABY wouldn't cooperate, I had to go to town to wash clothes, and we won't discuss the frustrating part of that.... Now today my husband "thinks" that he's "helping" me by doing laundry. His definition of doing the laundry is washing and drying the clothes and throwing them on the couch, which in turn, makes a bigger mess for me. Now today has kind of started out very frustrating as well...The BABY has a horrible diaper rash, and the hubby's at the laundry again... It's supposed to pour down rain, so I got the chores done early. There's a bright side!
    I listen to the K-Love morning show every day when I take the kids to school. Today they had been talking to an atheist. She was actually a very respectful, polite young woman. I was really impressed. She stated that the reason that she doesn't go to church is because of the hypocrisy of the people who attend. She said that the people that she knows that attend church don't make a good example of Christianity. That really got me thinking. Am I setting a good example for people who might be considering turning to Christ, or am I one of them that is turning people away? I truly hope that I am setting a good example for others to follow. But when I think about the frustration of the day before, and my resultant mood, was I exuding love?   God said that "you will know my disciples by their love...." I'm not sure that, on a bad day, I would be an example of His love.
     I guess the moral of the story is that people are watching. We need to model our behavior after His. We need to lead by example, and remember that it only takes 30 seconds of reckless courage. If one of us could stand alone for just a little while, others will follow! Be that example for someone. Show God's love and share His word!

Unconditional Love

     Today is a very special day...It's THAT child's birthday! We spent literally all day(from 10AM to 7PM) driving to look at a horse for him... 9 Hours in a car with 3 children... Need I say more? Especially after being at the rodeo until 1AM the night before. At least the BABY slept a large portion of the time!
    I really try to make each of our children feel special on their birthday. It doesn't necessarily mean that I spend a lot of money on them; but we always have a special cake and they get to choose what we have for supper...It's just one day where I have the opportunity to make them feel important. 
     The kids always make me feel so important... They need me in their lives, and that's such a rewarding feeling. I really hope that they always know that they can come to me for anything. I want to be their rock, that stable person in their lives that they can come to for advice or just a hug if they need me; but... I also hope to instill in them the instinct to seek out the Lord in times of trouble. I hope they know that they can pray at any time, and in any place without embarrassment. We need Him in our lives just as children need their parents. I want my kids to seek Him out in this way. 
     When I think of God, in my mind I see him as a parent. Someone who sends His children out on their own, lets them make their mistakes, and welcomes them back when they need Him. He rejoices in our victories and despairs in our failures. When I think of His love, this is the kind of love that I think of. His love is unconditional, just as a parent's love for a child.

perfectly imperfect

   I have been so blessed in my life! I have wonderful kids, a great husband, a hobby that I love... And some days it all just feels so overwhelming.  I am truly thankful for my kids and my husband; but there are just some days where I wish my life was like something you see on television. When my house is a total disaster, when the kids are being terrors, when my husband is on the warpath... I would so gladly just like to quit!  Then I imagine what it would be like for any of these things to be gone from my life. If I didn't have my kids, my husband, or my horses in my life; I would have nothing. 
     I want you all to know that this is totally normal... Everyone gets frustrated and out of sorts... The other day my horses were having some springtime silliness going on, and I just wanted to throw my hands up and throw in the towel...But nothing was ever achieved my quitting. I don't have a perfect life. My husband, my kids, my house, my horses: Certainly not perfect! All of you that think there is perfection in this world, you have another thing coming! No one, and Nothing is perfect. There are people that skip church. Some smoke, drink, don't obey traffic laws, et. cetera. 
     Perfection is a totally unattainable goal. There are so many other things that you can be than perfect! Be an amazing parent, or an amazing coach, or an amazing husband/wife. Be a good person. There is nothing wrong with being imperfect! Being perfectly imperfect will get you a lot farther than perfection any day! 

Choices

     So, this year THAT child decided he wanted a very limited edition present for his birthday. I have been looking for this present both online and in stores for DAYS! I finally was able to find it yesterday in store; they are totally sold out online. But they couldn't hold it for me for longer than an hour. We had already been to pick up feed, and it was dark, we still had chores to do; and there was just no time to go and pick it up. But, on a wish and a prayer, I called this morning and it was still in stock. I was able to put an hour hold on it and go pick it up this morning. I certainly hope that he likes it; it was very time-consuming to find!
    It seems that most things in life are. When we were looking for a step-up horse for the NP child we went and tried out what felt like a thousand horses. But we kept coming back to the first one she tried. I wasn't sure, because he seemed like a lot of horse for her; but we did buy him, and he taught her lots about riding. Now that he's getting older, I am thinking of having her move to my finished horse, and I am riding a 5 year old that I started last summer. She's another that was worth waiting for. I wasn't looking for a yearling, I wanted something started that I could finish out. But I found her online, and she was perfect. I'm not a color person, I like a nicely put together horse. She was a beauty. And she's turning out to be such an honest horse that I can't help but be pleased with my decision.
     God doesn't want us to make the easy choice. He wants us to challenge ourselves and make the hard decisions. He wants it to be uncomfortable for us. If it's not; we aren't doing it right! I have learned that I have to weigh the pros and cons before jumping in with both feet. I'm not good at doing that, I see something I want and I want it now! God has 3 answers to our requests, Yes, no, and not right now. I get a lot of not right now's from Him. But, oftentimes I look back and realize, I didn't need that anyway!

Safety Nets and Roadblocks

     I know I have written a lot about THAT child and his behavior. Now, I don't want it to seem like I' complaining about him; I truly love my son. My thought was, by sharing my experiences with you that maybe some of you can relate and know that you're not the only one. 
     THAT child is an incredible kid. Very sweet and loving...when he wants to be. He's very choosy with whom he shares his love and sweetness with. I got a real shock last night when I went to sub teach the children's Wednesday bible study at church.  The woman who teaches the preschool class at Sunday school offered to be my helper. She took the little kids into the preschool room after the lesson was complete to do their craft, and I kind of hovered between. Lo and behold, I caught my son asking for permission, and actually talking to someone who wasn't me or his father. You could have knocked me over with a feather. He doesn't even talk to my brother-in-law, who he has known literally his entire life! It felt so good...It made me feel like I might have actually done something right in his upbringing.
     The NP child is in that transitional age. She's technically a teenager; but she still wants to be a kid. We are getting some teenage attitude at times, and she's definitely more emotional than she used to be. She's still a great kid and I love her as much as a parent can love a child. She's my right hand at times. 
      The BABY is at a transitional age as well-she's changing from baby to toddler. It almost makes me sad that I don't have a tiny baby to cuddle anymore; but then she flashes her cute little grin...It makes every bit of having her worthwhile. It was the same for me with all of my children. They flash their cute smiles and say "love you, mommy!" and I'm a marshmallow. I'm surprised I don't burst into tears when they do this!
     Through all the changes and milestones in their lives, I hope that, if I did one thing right; it was making sure that my kids know that they have a "safety net" here with me. If the world gets to be too much, if things get overwhelming, I want them to know that I am always here, no matter what! Exactly the way God is here for us. I was about to make a choice that would have derailed my new low-sugar lifestyle this morning; and God threw in a roadblock. Literally! I was heading to check out at the store, and was going to grab a soda out of one of those strategically placed refrigerators right next to the checkout. Instead, there was a man there blocking the aisle as he filled the cooler. So, I went down the aisle and grabbed a vitamin water instead....And I said a thank you when I got to the car. I would have beaten myself up over that bottle of soda all day long.  
     God is always present in our lives, we just need to be smart enough to recognize his direction. Sure, I could have gone to the next lane and grabbed a soda from the next refrigerator; but there was a reason that the particular one that I was going to use was being filled. Doing what He wants us to do isn't always the easiest way to do things, but it's so worth it!

The Beginning of My Low-Sugar Lifestyle!

     This morning; as I was awakened 30 minutes early by THAT child's puppy, I was thinking it was going to be a bad day. As I got the BABY up and woke up the NP child, I was sure it was going to be a bad day. As I woke up THAT child and got him dressed I was positive it was going to be the worst day yet. Then, as we got on the road this morning, and everything fell into place, I was thanking God for this beautiful day. Just goes to show you that one little glimpse can't tell you everything about what's going to happen.
     Yesterday was my first day of not drinking soda. Usually I have 2 in the morning for the caffeine boost. I had gotten a Vitamin Water with 50 mg caffeine to stave off the caffeine headache I always end up with when I don't have any. I did really good until I went to pick the kids up from school. Then I caved and bought a can of Dr. Pepper. But, after not having one all day, I didn't really enjoy it as much as I thought I was going to. It seemed overly sweet after drinking only water and water based beverages all day.  
     I am trying to implement a healthier lifestyle, which I actually had before my last pregnancy. I counted calories, walked 5+ miles a day, and drank at least a half-gallon of water daily. It just seems so much more convenient to buy that can of soda from the machine outside than having to run into the grocery store to buy a bottle of water. And I can tell you that as far as food goes, it's much easier and cheaper to buy a burger and fries than it is to buy a salad!  Where I don't think that I should tell people how they should eat; as I love grease and fried food like nobody's business; I do think that fast food restaurants should make healthier options more accessible to customers. Instead of cracking down on school lunches, maybe Michelle Obama's focus would have been better spent in this area? I'm not going to speculate on that!
      I just want to give moms and even women who aren't moms a little bit of hope. If I can do this, then anyone can. There are options out there to make it easier, but you really have to look for them. And the things that are supposed to be healthier for you aren't always healthier! Yogurt has a very high sugar content. Bare Naked energy bars have more sugar than your generic sunmaid granola bar. You will learn how to read labels before you buy anything, and portion sizes are a major thing to watch. I'm not a weight loss guru or anything, just a mom wanting to loose that pesky baby weight! And before you implement a weight loss program, talk to your doctor. They have some pretty good ideas!  As with anything, I have had to pray for strength during this time. I have very little willpower; but with God, all things are possible! Good Luck Ladies!

Finding Peace in This Crazy Life

     As I said in yesterday's blog post, yesterday was an awful day for me. Nothing could go right. I woke up this morning with dread settled over me. Then I started the day as I usually do; with prayer. It's usually pretty short, and just a conversation with God that is silent, so I don't wake the BEAST and the BABY. I got up and woke up the NP child. Now, this kid is so amazing. I had put clothes in the washing machine last night, as I was almost out of clothes for me to wear. Then I went to bed early. The NP child came in and watched TV with me until I fell asleep, then put my clothes in the dryer before she went to bed. I don't know what I did right in my life to deserve a kid like her, but I thank God every day that I have her!  She is the reason that I don't WANT to take my temper out on my children. She tries so hard to please me and the BEAST and her teachers at all times. 
     THAT child woke up in a great mood this morning. It's so rewarding to enjoy spending time with my children! He was so sweet and cuddly when he woke up. He kissed and hugged me and the BABY when we got to school without any hesitation. Wrote his name, washed his hands, and did all the rest of his morning school duties with no argument. I LOVE days like this with my kids! Yet another reason not to lose patience with them!
     The BABY woke up early this morning. I'm glad; because I was kind of pre-awakened for my alarm clock, and less likely to hit the snooze button that way. She was also extra cuddly this morning; and to make things even better, she walked to me this morning! It was so precious... I love these milestones! Another reason to not get upset with the kids!
     God has put these wonderful, priceless moments at the forefront so that I can understand the reasons that I have to be happy. For all of the horrible things that went on yesterday, there are so many incentives to be at peace.