Merry Christmas!

    Merry Christmas eve everyone! This is probably one of my least favorite days of the year...It was one of my favorites as a child, but one of my least favorites as a parent. Probably because of all the running, cooking, etc. That has to be done. But this year it's not too bad. There is no travelling involved, because we went to Minnesota for Thanksgiving. The weather is GREAT here. And the new part of our house is very close to completion, so we aren't really sitting on top of each other!  It may seem like simple things to y'all; but to me, it means a lot. My husband's blood, sweat and tears are going into making this house a home; and he is doing his best to make it the home that I have always dreamed of. Complete with the rustic details that I want...
     THAT child is in his room cleaning, the NP child just finished washing lunch dishes, and the BABY is getting in the way...Perfect time of the year for our almost 2 year old to decide that she's going to potty train herself...Except that she can't get on the toilet on her own, so she has to ask for help to get up there. These precious memories are what will carry us through to the new year. 
     It has been such an amazing year for us! Remodeling our house, the NP child having such a great year on the rodeo and show circuits, THAT child starting kindergarten and just starting to come out of his shell, and the BABY growing and changing every day.  I would be hard-pressed to say what was my favorite memory of those! But with growth comes change. With change comes emotion. The NP child is retiring her 21 year old barrel pony, and has gotten a new horse to go on with. THAT child has decided to show a calf and a pig at the fair next year, along with his horse. The BABY is growing up so fast that it makes me sad...They should be little longer!
      With all the good/bad/ugly things that have touched my family this year, I am so thankful that the impact on us is small. We are fortunate to be in the very outer ring of all of the political mess that is going on. Hopefully our president elect can bring around some change...I fear for our country if not! With that, I am going to close with: Please pray for our country and it's leaders...Now and in the new year. 

Restless!

   It feels like I have been waiting for this all year, and now I don't know what to do with it. Down time. ONE weekend where I don't have anywhere to rush off to, anything to do...It's crazy! I love running with the kids. It makes me crazy and all that; but I love every minute of it. Rodeos, cattle shows, horse shows...It's all such wholesome fun for them! But I think the best part of it is that they have to work for it. They have to feed their horses and cattle, they have to halter break calves, bathe them, train their hair....I usually do the clipping for them; but most of it is their work and they get to reap the rewards of it. THAT child has decided that he's going to show a pig this year at the county fair....We are still trying to talk the BEAST into that one! 
     You would think that I would be excited not to be on the road all the time and being able to take it a little bit easy; but I really don't like it. I sat here and watched the NFR and did some online business...Now I'm watching a movie with the kids; but I'm still restless! I miss the bone-tired feeling of working young horses or getting dragged around by the 18 month old commercial heifer. I miss the frustration of trying to pack the truck and trailer with the BABY tagging along with me. I'm sure that this is just me getting used to the relaxed atmosphere and not the rush, rush, rush of rodeo and livestock show life; but it sucks right now! LOL!

Indecision

     Ugh. The main reason I hate holidays is indecision. I love everything about the day-being thankful for the gifts in my life, and celebrating the birth of Christ; etc. But my family travels 800 miles across 3 states to get to Minnesota either for Christmas or Thanksgiving yearly, and this year we have rodeo kick-off the very weekend we are going to leave. It really is not fun trying to divide a week between 2 families; the NP child and the GAMER's dad; and a ton of friends. And when you try to plan anything(I am a planner, down to the end!) No one can decide what or where or when they want to do anything. But, mark my words, they will be the first to complain when the plans that we make with others don't mesh with what they FINALLY decide they want to do!
     I know I really shouldn't get so annoyed; but there comes a time when I get just seriously irritated with it. I bust my behind trying to make sure that we get time with each and every person that wants to see us when we are up there; and not one person can make an effort to make it any easier, after we traveled 800+ miles with 3+ children, and quite often a pet! It's going to take a lot of organizing, and a lot of prayer to get through this holiday season...If you think of it, say a prayer for my sanity! 

Putting it in perspective

     Sometimes I think that God puts good days and bad days in our lives to make us see perspective. The NP child has been working really hard this year, both with her calf, with her old horse and with a young horse, and just hasn't really been clicking with either horse. The calf has been going wonderfully, however! Then she had a major breakthrough with her older horse, and won a reserve state championship an invitation to ride in Texas at an invitational event, and a district showmanship buckle. After that, every performance with the old horse got better and better; and now she's not clicking with the new horse at all anymore...There are some shining moments, and I am sure that they will get there sooner or later, but as I watch her and her old horse run, I wish that I could teach her how to transfer the confidence she has in him to the other horse... Today she ran her first clean pole run at this particular rodeo arena on the old horse, and ran the 2 most correct barrel patterns I have seen her do on him in years. 
    I guess I'm going to have to give y'all a bit of background on us...We moved to Arkansas from Minnesota 3 years ago; and this is the first year since we moved here that we really competed.  The NP child was at the top of her game in MN, very consistently placing in the top-10 at shows and barrel races. But the lack of being in the competition ring wasn't kind to her; she has had to re-learn a lot of things about competing, especially muscle memory and timing, since we do speed events. I'm happy that she's getting better, and I'm hoping that we can build her confidence up to the new horse... I am just so glad that God puts things into perspective for us at times!! 

Irritated

     I'm having an interesting day today. For some reason I am irritated... Almost like my skin doesn't fit right or something. It has been busy; the BABY and I had to do some errands today, and we had some pleasurable visits while doing so. I don't know why I feel this way...But I'm sure that "this too shall pass."
     In 3 days the NP child will be competing at a huge invitational show in Texas. We just finished up the district fair on Saturday...It's a lot of running, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't wait to see my aunt who lives down there...I haven't seen her since my grandma's funeral almost 2 years ago. We are hauling the horses to the vet tomorrow to get health papers to cross the state line, and we will be set! I am wondering if nerves and stress are ganging up on me to make me feel so weird? Years ago this would have put me into a full-fledged panic attack. These days I am much more likely to "let go and let God."  It took me a long time to get to this point. I was always a churchgoer; however sporadically. But I don't know if I ever allowed God as deeply into my life as He is now. I KNOW that He is with me at all times; He is a part of me. I don't think that I ever had that before. I can actually FEEL His presence in my life. He is such a comfort to me...Why would anyone choose to NOT have Him as a part of their lives?

Perfectly Imperfect.

     I know that my last post may have seemed controversial; like my husband and I don't have a great relationship, and that our home life may be lacking. Nothing could be farther from the truth! The BEAST and I have a great relationship, and we both love all of our children. There is nothing to worry about there! We do disagree about parenting A LOT;  Just because we don't agree 100% on everything doesn't mean that our relationship is a trainwreck, it means that we are human.
     Things happen in our lives that shape the people that we are. I grew up with 2 very hardworking, independent, proud people, as did my husband. That's where the similarities end. My parents were very strict, whereas the BEAST's were not. I tend to be more rigid with the rules for the children, where he is more likely to bend. Sometimes I'm right, and sometimes he is. Parenting isn't an exact science, there is no handbook to tell you if you are doing it right or not. It can be extremely frustrating when you have been working for weeks on something with one of your children, and in one weekend the other parent lets it go completely off-grid.  Communication may be the problem, but the main answer to it is that we are all human. We need to be somewhat forgiving of one another. Frustrations mount when things like this happen; and you can attribute it to whatever you want; but it all boils down to the fact that we all make mistakes, no one is perfect. God made us imperfect for a reason. We are tested, and how we respond speaks to the kind of person you are. Forgiveness and open-mindedness are my words of the day!

Putting it out there

     I know it's been a very long time since I was on here; but such is the life of a busy mom! I actually felt driven to come and blog today because of something that happened to me on social media yesterday. I had reposted a photo about respecting a parent's wishes when they say something about their kid; and not undermining their authority. I had tagged the BEAST in this; because he is a very lenient parent and lets the kids get away with more than I do, which, in turn, makes me the mommy monster. I actually had someone tell me that posting it on the BEAST's facebook page was disrespectful to him. Now, mind you, this person has never met my husband; has never met me in person, and knows nothing about how our family works. To give a bit of back story, the BEAST has been told for years that he needs to stop undermining me by me, his parents, his brothers, my mother, all of our friends...He knows that I have this issue. That being said, I'm trying to figure out how it was disrespectful to him. All I can answer is: it's not, it's disrespectful to ME to ignore it.
     I know some of you are shaking your heads, but have you ever had your child go to preschool and announce to everyone there "I don't have a mom"? Because I have. Because I am the one who makes him bathe every night, get regular haircuts, brush his teeth...I am the bad guy because I am the enforcer. It felt like having my heart ripped through my chest when THAT child made that remark to his preschool class; but what could I do? I stood there and smiled, while I died a little inside. But I'm disrespecting my husband by trying to address his errors in a different way, because at this point; I will do anything to make him see how much it hurts me. Talking to him doesn't work, he laughs it off and tells me that I am taking it too personally. Have any of you had other mothers look at you like you were a monster because your son screamed at the top of his lungs because he didn't want to hold your hand, but you were the only parent along and it was an unsafe area for him to be on his own? I have. Have you had your child cry because you were the one who came to pick him up and not his daddy? I have. So, before any of you pass your lofty, social-media judgement about me being disrespectful, please get the back story first. You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about; and if you still feel the same way after knowing all of this; I will actually consider your opinion. Until then, please, mind your own biscuts and life will be gravy!

Enjoy the little things

     It's been a day already...and it's only noon. First, I got up and took the NP child to school. All that went fine, came home to a messy house; because she and I were at an overnight rodeo this weekend...Not so fine. Sat down to feed the BABY and THAT child spilled a can of soda into a basket of clean, folded jeans-all of which need to be rewashed now, and since they are good jeans; they have to be taken to town, because the amount of rust in our water at home will ruin them otherwise. But, with all that going on I remembered that messes are easy to clean up. A dirty house can be cleaned, clothes can be washed. But the time with my littles is precious; and I am going to take some time today to enjoy them! Talk later-I'm going to play GI Joes rescue the princess pony!

Born Bad

   Sitting here this morning wondering why people are the way they are.  I will never believe that people are born to be "bad"... But how do they get that way? I can totally understand how they became selfish and petty-society is a great teacher for that! When I married the BEAST, and even before; it became very apparent that we were raised very differently. There are things that are okay to him that would be a total embarrassment to my family. But, my parents are close to and in their 60's, and both work multiple jobs to make a living. That's the example that I grew up with.  I am not saying that the BEAST's family didn't work, they did; and they do. But the ethic is not the same. My parent's lives revolved around work; either at their jobs or at home. If my dad had a day off work we were out working cattle, dehorning, castrating, or sorting, cleaning pens and lots, working horses, cleaning stalls, unloading hay...et cetera.  To other people a day off is just that-a day off. To my parents it was a day to get the things done that they couldn't get done during their work week. That being said; I think of myself as a "good" person...I obey the laws, I worked a full-time job(sometimes 2) before we moved out of state, and I provided for my children when I had no help whatsoever. I have to thank my parents for the fortitude to be able to do that! But back to the growing up "bad"....Did these people, as kids, have too much time on their hands? Too much time to think about ways to make people's lives miserable? I just don't understand. I never had the time, between school and chores, to think of ways to hurt others. Maybe we would all be better served if everyone lived and learned on a farm or ranch?

Being Thankful

     This last week was a doozey....the NP child got a bad grade on her report card, THAT child was sick, we had a 2-day rodeo that lasted until midnight on Friday and Saturday...It just seemed like nothing would go right....Such is the life of a mama; right? This week coming up is going to be just as bad...The NP child has a pageant on Thursday evening, THAT child has preschool graduation Thursday afternoon; and we have a 2 day rodeo that is 2 hours away on Friday and Saturday...That will be an over-nighter. I think that I had less work and stress in my life when I actually worked outside our home! 
     Now today I am waiting for the banks to update; so that I can work on our weekly budget, and have some idea of what we have to spend!  I feel like I'm always either rushing somewhere, or waiting on someone...But that's my life! There are times when I have to make myself slow down and take a breath. I love my children, I love my family....Sometimes I just have to make time to let God in, and let Him show me the way. When things get overwhelming; I have to just throw my hands up and pray. I am guilty of not doing this enough. I need to take the time out and make Him a priority.  So many things in my life are great. I have good health; my family is healthy. We make enough money to make do. We have safe, dependable vehicles. We have an expensive hobby that we are fortunate enough to be able to participate in. We have what we need, and I am thankful!

A little give and take

     Well, the one bad thing about rodeos is the fact that when it gets warm out, they are in the evenings; and we get home about 1 AM. The good thing is that the producers recognize this, so they have them on Friday and Saturday nights, instead of Saturday and Sunday. A little compromise, give and take, if you will....Goes a long way in this world! I am so happy for the sport of rodeo, and horse shows. Because, even though it is a thankless, expensive, time consuming sport; it is teaching my daughter the value of her hard work, and the amount of effort she has to put into something to be successful at it. She doesn't have the fastest horse out there, but he is consistent. She's sitting top 10 in pole bending standings because of that consistency, no other reason. 
     A little bit of give and take would serve us well in our lives today. If, instead of regaling people with our opinions, we could just let some things go, we would be better off! If we could just forget our stereotypical beliefs, we would be more willing to help the needy. If we could let go of all the stigma associated with veterans, maybe more of them would get the help they needed, and the jobs that could keep them from being homeless. Did you know that 17% of the United States' homeless population is made up of veterans? That is disturbing on so many levels! These people were shipped off to fight for our country, for our freedom....And we are allowing 17% of them to remain homeless...I'm not saying that we need to hire someone who's dangerous, or put our business at risk; but instead of looking at veterans as too "damaged" to work, or as someone who won't take orders well, give them a shot! The options are numerous...Some of these people could be helped a lot by compromise. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have to be monitored closely, and probably not left to work alone, but given what the veterans, at least, sacrificed for us; isn't it worth it?

Strength and Control

     Some days... Being a mommy is tough. There are fundraisers, functions, pageants, concerts, games, rodeos, appointments...LIFE. When it gets overwhelming it becomes frustrating. The house is messy, the car is a disaster, the dog needs a bath, the BABY got into the NP child's markers, THAT child was playing in a puddle... And people say that this is the most rewarding job there is...And it is, there's no doubt about that. But it's okay to get frustrated. It's okay to cry. It's okay to want to throw in the towel at times. I think that I work a harder, more stressful job now than when I worked outside the home. Some days I just want to pull the plug and say I'm done, but then I get kisses from the BABY, or a hug from THAT child, and it all seems okay.
     I gain strength from attending church and bible study on a weekly basis. My kids love it; and it gives me the motivation to make it through the week. There is nothing that I can't do with Jesus in my corner. When the world feels like it's closing in and there is nothing that will go right, I turn to God. Sometimes you just need to let go and let Him take control.

Satisfied with Enough

     Wow, What a super-busy month it has been! I haven't even looked at this page in over a month...We recently started the AFR rodeo series with the NP child; and it has been hectic and expensive, to say the least! At least she is having fun, cultivating friendships, and all around just learning to be a good person. THAT child has had to come with us to a lot of rodeos, even an over-nighter; because the BEAST's work schedule didn't work out for him to stay home. He has grown up so much in the last year...I was cooking him eggs this morning(he had a tummy bug last night, and had to stay home from school today) and when I handed him his plate of scrambled eggs, he actually said "thank you"... It made me so happy! 
     The inspiration for this post today actually stems from a conversation I had with a friend. It had to do with options and what is available to us. I am trying to teach my children not to judge people by the choices they make-we don't know what options they have available to them at any given time. We don't know what the circumstances of their life are. Maybe they had no introduction to Jesus. No exposure to someone who can show them right from wrong. Never read a bible. Maybe they can't even read at all.  We as a society have become very judgmental, very entitled. What happened to the people who used to work from sunup to sundown for what they had? What happened to the people who were satisfied with having enough, instead of having more?  It is a fact that this life is temporary, and you can't take your possessions with you when it's your time to make the great journey.  I truly hope that I have spent enough time on the things that are important, and less time on the things that are temporary. Little things like THAT child saying thank you, the BABY's first steps and words, the NP child laying down a clean run, and phone calls from the GAMER are all treasures. Material things don't matter! My family has safe, dependable vehicles that get us from point A to point B; and they are paid for. We have a home that keeps us warm and protected, but it's not new, and it's not fancy. I go to the laundromat weekly to wash clothes. And that's enough.

Let go and let God!

     I do everything by routine, that's just the way I'm built. I get up every day at 6:45. I wake up the NP child, then I get dressed for the day and get the BABY dressed. I wake up THAT child and get him dressed, and let him watch 10 minutes of cartoons. We then leave for school at 7:15. I call my mom around 7:35. Then I drop the NP child at the elementary school, and take THAT child to his preschool and help him with his morning duties there. Then he usually pushes me out the door. If I don't have any errands to run, I usually go straight home. I feed the horses by 10AM, and then the BABY and I go in and pick up the house. When the Young and the Restless is over at 12:00 I usually sit down with the BABY so she can take her nap. At 1:30 I wake her up so we can get ready to leave at 2 to pick up THAT child at preschool by 2:30, and be back to pick up the NP child by 3. We go and get them a snack, then we go home. On every day but Wednesday we sit down and relax for 30 minutes. At 5PM I feed the horses and the outside dogs. At 6 we eat supper, at 8 THAT child takes his bath, and at 8:30 he goes to bed. I go to bed at 10. I give the NP child the option to go to bed at 10 or 10:30, as long as she can get up in the morning and I don't get any complaints from her teacher that she is tired.  Adding things to my weekly routine takes planning for me. Wednesdays we do chores as soon as we get home, and we leave for church at 5.
     My friends quite possibly have no idea that my life is so regimented. I love having a routine, and my kids crave it. They know what happens at any time in the day. I hope that ya'all understand that I'm not criticizing anyone. I would love to be able to fly by the seat of my pants, but I can't, it just doesn't feel right to me. I have to have order, and everything just so. But I have begun to learn not to worry about things I can't control. I have begun to "let go, and let God" This mantra has done amazing things for my life. I'm much calmer and less apt to fly into a panic attack at the drop of a hat. Anxiety is not a pretty thing to deal with, and it's not fun at all, but with God, all things are possible. I am proof of that. I haven't had a panic attack in almost a year; which is around the same amount of time that I have been attending my church. In April I will have been attending there for a year. And, while it is a routine to attend church every Wednesday and Sunday, the church is anything but routine!
      I guess the moral of the story is that we do whatever we have to do to survive, but it's a lot better and a lot easier when we let go and let God!

Preschool

     Such a busy weekend! We had some of the BEAST's family down from Minnesota, I went to a horse sale, church on Sunday, business meeting afterward, then lunch with the family before they headed back to the frozen northland... It's these shining moments; however brief, that get us through in our lives. This morning I had a parent meeting for THAT child's preschool. I love being so involved with his schooling and with our church. It makes a huge difference! I actually feel "tied in" to what's going on there! It's really nice, especially because I grew up in a family that valued work...I'm not saying that parents shouldn't work if that's the choice they make. I worked when the NP child and the GAMER were kids, and worked overnights when THAT child was younger. I just chose, with all the changes that my children went through when we moved, to keep one thing constant and stay home with them while I could. No judgement to parents that work at all!
     Being so hands on with his school is wonderful for me. I like knowing how he behaved, what he's doing, and how he's progressing. I do think that they are making kids learn way too much in preschool now... I learned shapes, colors, letters, how to cut with scissors, et cetera. THAT child came home the other day and asked the NP child "Who made the American flag? Betsy Ross!"He also knows who the first president of the United States was. But, he's learning, and it keeps his mind busy. It gives me mixed feelings. I love that he's learning and can remember these things, but how much is too much, and at what age is too young?

Submission or Control?

     What a busy day! Garage sale, horse sale, family here from Minnesota... The BABY did very well on her first day without mama....6 hours with the NP child and the BEAST. I'm just wondering if I did the right thing by leaving. I had made plans to go to the horse sale with some friends before our visitors decided that they were coming. Should I have cancelled? I normally would have, but I dug in my heels today and decided to go. It sure seems like everyone got along fine without me!
      I know that God tells us that wives should submit to their husbands, but where is the line between submission and control? I love my husband with everything that I am; but I already was in a very controlling and mentally abusive relationship. I know that I shouldn't, but sometimes I'm very sure that I take it out on the BEAST. I don't mean to, but I do. He's a good man. Basically lets me do whatever I want to do, within reason. Why do I feel that I have to react when he tells me to do something or asks me not to do something? I know deep down that he's not asking me to control me, but I sometimes push against the wall anyway.  The BEAST goes out of his way to try and give me everything I want. I hit the marriage jackpot with him.
      I need to spend some time thinking about this myself. I need to pray about it and see how I feel afterwards. I do understand what the BEAST is trying to do, but I am so programmed to have a violent reaction after being married to the NP child and the GAMER's father. And their dad is still trying to control me to this day. I don't know how I feel about that; but I will figure it out before my visit to Minnesota for the summer, that's for certain.

Days of Heartbreak

     There are days.... I tell ya. I just want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head. The GAMER was supposed to come down here for the BABY's dedication ceremony on Easter Sunday; but now his father isn't allowing him to come down. He also tried to take him in the truck with him on the week that we were in Minnesota for Christmas. I don't know what to even say. My heart is broken that he won't be at his sister's dedication. It's such a special moment, but I shouldn't have expected anything different! On a brighter note, THAT child's horse is going to be delivered this afternoon. I need to keep my focus on the good things in my life right now, because it's so easy to dwell on the bad. 
      I have problems with depression and panic attacks, and focusing on the good in my life has helped me to control these. I just hope that someday, he understands what it's like to be kept from his child. It tears me down to the bone. Just because I have 3 other children doesn't mean that I don't love them all equally and individually. Even when the GAMER had me so frustrated I had to leave the area; I still had his best interests and love in my heart. 
      I'm going to place this issue in the hands of the Lord, and see how it all works out. If the GAMER was meant to come down, it will happen. I refuse to allow myself to be dragged into an argument about it. There are documents in place for these issues, and if I have to have them enforced, I will; but turning to God is where my heart is leading me right now. For some reason I feel such peace when I think of my conversations with Him. He will always lead in the right direction, whether we think it's right or not.

Keep Your Fork

    Rain, rain, rain! I hope I can last another 2 days past today in this! It just makes everything seem so depressing! I can't take the BABY outside, and her favorite thing to do is go and see the horses. I would love to be out riding my horses, but can't in the rain... And probably not for a couple of days afterward, because the ground will be too soft. Ish. I hate being a complainer! The good thing about the rain is that I get to play with the BABY more than I would if I were in and out of the house all day long...The weather is getting nice and warm, so it's fun to take her outside and do things. I can't wait to get my flowerbeds in...Sounds so beautiful. My rose bush and my clematis all have buds and leaves on them, and the daffodils have been blooming for a couple of weeks. My spirits are starting to lift already!
     So simple to raise your spirits just with the thought of things to come. That's the way we should all feel about life...I once read a story called "Keep Your Fork", about a woman who always reminded people to keep their fork, the best was yet to come. I believe at the end of the story they buried her with her fork, but I don't remember. I wish that it was easier for me to remember that the best is yet to come in my daily life. These trials that we go through on a daily basis are just the main course, the best is still coming!  Everything in our lives points to this. The dormancy of plants in the winter, and their subsequent blooming in the spring, the tests that we go through, the hard times, they are there to remind us that there are better things in this life. Not everything is bad. When we look back on our bad times, it's so much easier to see that they are a test afterwards than it was in the beginning.
      I feel like the way things are now is just the main course. God is there telling us to keep our fork, because the best is yet to come. I can't believe that He would have chosen someone like me to share his kingdom with. And as his heir, to make it more special! 

Humility

     Ever get the feeling that everything is working against you? That's the way I feel today. I am supposed to pick up a pony on Friday, and it's been raining for 2 days and we are in a flash flood watch.... I guess if it will happen when it happens...Years ago something like this would have started a full-scale panic attack...Now I am so much more at peace with my life. I can still feel the panic inside, but I am much more able to control it now.When I fully accepted the Lord into my life, peace settled over me. Little things don't set me off into a tailspin like they used to.
     God is such a great Father...Today the BABY is combing my hair, and chewing on her comb. I look at her and my heart is full of such love.That is the way that God feels about each and every one of us! How amazing is that?! The Omnipotent, Omnipresent God loves ME! The God that created each and every thing loves me as His child. Wow. When I think about that it's a little overwhelming, and I feel a little unworthy.... I am humbled by the thought of Him loving me that much.
     Humility is defined as a modest or low view of one's importance. Sounds about right when you think of how we should feel before God. Humbled and unworthy. 

Frustration and Hypocrisy

    Do you ever have one of those days when everything is frustrating, but you just have to plug on? That was yesterday for me. No matter what I did, the BABY wouldn't cooperate, I had to go to town to wash clothes, and we won't discuss the frustrating part of that.... Now today my husband "thinks" that he's "helping" me by doing laundry. His definition of doing the laundry is washing and drying the clothes and throwing them on the couch, which in turn, makes a bigger mess for me. Now today has kind of started out very frustrating as well...The BABY has a horrible diaper rash, and the hubby's at the laundry again... It's supposed to pour down rain, so I got the chores done early. There's a bright side!
    I listen to the K-Love morning show every day when I take the kids to school. Today they had been talking to an atheist. She was actually a very respectful, polite young woman. I was really impressed. She stated that the reason that she doesn't go to church is because of the hypocrisy of the people who attend. She said that the people that she knows that attend church don't make a good example of Christianity. That really got me thinking. Am I setting a good example for people who might be considering turning to Christ, or am I one of them that is turning people away? I truly hope that I am setting a good example for others to follow. But when I think about the frustration of the day before, and my resultant mood, was I exuding love?   God said that "you will know my disciples by their love...." I'm not sure that, on a bad day, I would be an example of His love.
     I guess the moral of the story is that people are watching. We need to model our behavior after His. We need to lead by example, and remember that it only takes 30 seconds of reckless courage. If one of us could stand alone for just a little while, others will follow! Be that example for someone. Show God's love and share His word!

Unconditional Love

     Today is a very special day...It's THAT child's birthday! We spent literally all day(from 10AM to 7PM) driving to look at a horse for him... 9 Hours in a car with 3 children... Need I say more? Especially after being at the rodeo until 1AM the night before. At least the BABY slept a large portion of the time!
    I really try to make each of our children feel special on their birthday. It doesn't necessarily mean that I spend a lot of money on them; but we always have a special cake and they get to choose what we have for supper...It's just one day where I have the opportunity to make them feel important. 
     The kids always make me feel so important... They need me in their lives, and that's such a rewarding feeling. I really hope that they always know that they can come to me for anything. I want to be their rock, that stable person in their lives that they can come to for advice or just a hug if they need me; but... I also hope to instill in them the instinct to seek out the Lord in times of trouble. I hope they know that they can pray at any time, and in any place without embarrassment. We need Him in our lives just as children need their parents. I want my kids to seek Him out in this way. 
     When I think of God, in my mind I see him as a parent. Someone who sends His children out on their own, lets them make their mistakes, and welcomes them back when they need Him. He rejoices in our victories and despairs in our failures. When I think of His love, this is the kind of love that I think of. His love is unconditional, just as a parent's love for a child.

perfectly imperfect

   I have been so blessed in my life! I have wonderful kids, a great husband, a hobby that I love... And some days it all just feels so overwhelming.  I am truly thankful for my kids and my husband; but there are just some days where I wish my life was like something you see on television. When my house is a total disaster, when the kids are being terrors, when my husband is on the warpath... I would so gladly just like to quit!  Then I imagine what it would be like for any of these things to be gone from my life. If I didn't have my kids, my husband, or my horses in my life; I would have nothing. 
     I want you all to know that this is totally normal... Everyone gets frustrated and out of sorts... The other day my horses were having some springtime silliness going on, and I just wanted to throw my hands up and throw in the towel...But nothing was ever achieved my quitting. I don't have a perfect life. My husband, my kids, my house, my horses: Certainly not perfect! All of you that think there is perfection in this world, you have another thing coming! No one, and Nothing is perfect. There are people that skip church. Some smoke, drink, don't obey traffic laws, et. cetera. 
     Perfection is a totally unattainable goal. There are so many other things that you can be than perfect! Be an amazing parent, or an amazing coach, or an amazing husband/wife. Be a good person. There is nothing wrong with being imperfect! Being perfectly imperfect will get you a lot farther than perfection any day! 

Choices

     So, this year THAT child decided he wanted a very limited edition present for his birthday. I have been looking for this present both online and in stores for DAYS! I finally was able to find it yesterday in store; they are totally sold out online. But they couldn't hold it for me for longer than an hour. We had already been to pick up feed, and it was dark, we still had chores to do; and there was just no time to go and pick it up. But, on a wish and a prayer, I called this morning and it was still in stock. I was able to put an hour hold on it and go pick it up this morning. I certainly hope that he likes it; it was very time-consuming to find!
    It seems that most things in life are. When we were looking for a step-up horse for the NP child we went and tried out what felt like a thousand horses. But we kept coming back to the first one she tried. I wasn't sure, because he seemed like a lot of horse for her; but we did buy him, and he taught her lots about riding. Now that he's getting older, I am thinking of having her move to my finished horse, and I am riding a 5 year old that I started last summer. She's another that was worth waiting for. I wasn't looking for a yearling, I wanted something started that I could finish out. But I found her online, and she was perfect. I'm not a color person, I like a nicely put together horse. She was a beauty. And she's turning out to be such an honest horse that I can't help but be pleased with my decision.
     God doesn't want us to make the easy choice. He wants us to challenge ourselves and make the hard decisions. He wants it to be uncomfortable for us. If it's not; we aren't doing it right! I have learned that I have to weigh the pros and cons before jumping in with both feet. I'm not good at doing that, I see something I want and I want it now! God has 3 answers to our requests, Yes, no, and not right now. I get a lot of not right now's from Him. But, oftentimes I look back and realize, I didn't need that anyway!

Safety Nets and Roadblocks

     I know I have written a lot about THAT child and his behavior. Now, I don't want it to seem like I' complaining about him; I truly love my son. My thought was, by sharing my experiences with you that maybe some of you can relate and know that you're not the only one. 
     THAT child is an incredible kid. Very sweet and loving...when he wants to be. He's very choosy with whom he shares his love and sweetness with. I got a real shock last night when I went to sub teach the children's Wednesday bible study at church.  The woman who teaches the preschool class at Sunday school offered to be my helper. She took the little kids into the preschool room after the lesson was complete to do their craft, and I kind of hovered between. Lo and behold, I caught my son asking for permission, and actually talking to someone who wasn't me or his father. You could have knocked me over with a feather. He doesn't even talk to my brother-in-law, who he has known literally his entire life! It felt so good...It made me feel like I might have actually done something right in his upbringing.
     The NP child is in that transitional age. She's technically a teenager; but she still wants to be a kid. We are getting some teenage attitude at times, and she's definitely more emotional than she used to be. She's still a great kid and I love her as much as a parent can love a child. She's my right hand at times. 
      The BABY is at a transitional age as well-she's changing from baby to toddler. It almost makes me sad that I don't have a tiny baby to cuddle anymore; but then she flashes her cute little grin...It makes every bit of having her worthwhile. It was the same for me with all of my children. They flash their cute smiles and say "love you, mommy!" and I'm a marshmallow. I'm surprised I don't burst into tears when they do this!
     Through all the changes and milestones in their lives, I hope that, if I did one thing right; it was making sure that my kids know that they have a "safety net" here with me. If the world gets to be too much, if things get overwhelming, I want them to know that I am always here, no matter what! Exactly the way God is here for us. I was about to make a choice that would have derailed my new low-sugar lifestyle this morning; and God threw in a roadblock. Literally! I was heading to check out at the store, and was going to grab a soda out of one of those strategically placed refrigerators right next to the checkout. Instead, there was a man there blocking the aisle as he filled the cooler. So, I went down the aisle and grabbed a vitamin water instead....And I said a thank you when I got to the car. I would have beaten myself up over that bottle of soda all day long.  
     God is always present in our lives, we just need to be smart enough to recognize his direction. Sure, I could have gone to the next lane and grabbed a soda from the next refrigerator; but there was a reason that the particular one that I was going to use was being filled. Doing what He wants us to do isn't always the easiest way to do things, but it's so worth it!

The Beginning of My Low-Sugar Lifestyle!

     This morning; as I was awakened 30 minutes early by THAT child's puppy, I was thinking it was going to be a bad day. As I got the BABY up and woke up the NP child, I was sure it was going to be a bad day. As I woke up THAT child and got him dressed I was positive it was going to be the worst day yet. Then, as we got on the road this morning, and everything fell into place, I was thanking God for this beautiful day. Just goes to show you that one little glimpse can't tell you everything about what's going to happen.
     Yesterday was my first day of not drinking soda. Usually I have 2 in the morning for the caffeine boost. I had gotten a Vitamin Water with 50 mg caffeine to stave off the caffeine headache I always end up with when I don't have any. I did really good until I went to pick the kids up from school. Then I caved and bought a can of Dr. Pepper. But, after not having one all day, I didn't really enjoy it as much as I thought I was going to. It seemed overly sweet after drinking only water and water based beverages all day.  
     I am trying to implement a healthier lifestyle, which I actually had before my last pregnancy. I counted calories, walked 5+ miles a day, and drank at least a half-gallon of water daily. It just seems so much more convenient to buy that can of soda from the machine outside than having to run into the grocery store to buy a bottle of water. And I can tell you that as far as food goes, it's much easier and cheaper to buy a burger and fries than it is to buy a salad!  Where I don't think that I should tell people how they should eat; as I love grease and fried food like nobody's business; I do think that fast food restaurants should make healthier options more accessible to customers. Instead of cracking down on school lunches, maybe Michelle Obama's focus would have been better spent in this area? I'm not going to speculate on that!
      I just want to give moms and even women who aren't moms a little bit of hope. If I can do this, then anyone can. There are options out there to make it easier, but you really have to look for them. And the things that are supposed to be healthier for you aren't always healthier! Yogurt has a very high sugar content. Bare Naked energy bars have more sugar than your generic sunmaid granola bar. You will learn how to read labels before you buy anything, and portion sizes are a major thing to watch. I'm not a weight loss guru or anything, just a mom wanting to loose that pesky baby weight! And before you implement a weight loss program, talk to your doctor. They have some pretty good ideas!  As with anything, I have had to pray for strength during this time. I have very little willpower; but with God, all things are possible! Good Luck Ladies!

Finding Peace in This Crazy Life

     As I said in yesterday's blog post, yesterday was an awful day for me. Nothing could go right. I woke up this morning with dread settled over me. Then I started the day as I usually do; with prayer. It's usually pretty short, and just a conversation with God that is silent, so I don't wake the BEAST and the BABY. I got up and woke up the NP child. Now, this kid is so amazing. I had put clothes in the washing machine last night, as I was almost out of clothes for me to wear. Then I went to bed early. The NP child came in and watched TV with me until I fell asleep, then put my clothes in the dryer before she went to bed. I don't know what I did right in my life to deserve a kid like her, but I thank God every day that I have her!  She is the reason that I don't WANT to take my temper out on my children. She tries so hard to please me and the BEAST and her teachers at all times. 
     THAT child woke up in a great mood this morning. It's so rewarding to enjoy spending time with my children! He was so sweet and cuddly when he woke up. He kissed and hugged me and the BABY when we got to school without any hesitation. Wrote his name, washed his hands, and did all the rest of his morning school duties with no argument. I LOVE days like this with my kids! Yet another reason not to lose patience with them!
     The BABY woke up early this morning. I'm glad; because I was kind of pre-awakened for my alarm clock, and less likely to hit the snooze button that way. She was also extra cuddly this morning; and to make things even better, she walked to me this morning! It was so precious... I love these milestones! Another reason to not get upset with the kids!
     God has put these wonderful, priceless moments at the forefront so that I can understand the reasons that I have to be happy. For all of the horrible things that went on yesterday, there are so many incentives to be at peace. 

Words Hurt

    I'm having one of those days today. Those days that nothing can go right no matter what I try. I'm not even getting this post up until almost 12 hours later than I usually get it posted. My house is a mess, the van is a mess, and I am at my whit's end. I have learned to try to stay away from the kids when I'm in this mood, so I don't yell at them or say something I don't mean. 
      The topic of this post is: Words Hurt.  You can hit someone; kick them; break bones even. That stuff heals. Words, once they are said; can't be taken back. Your kids will remember them forever. And they can cause irreparable damage to your relationship.  My kids mean the world to me; but when I am angry I can snap at them. So I tend to try to steer clear and pray; so that I can calm down before I say something that I don't mean and can't take back.
     There is nothing that I would like better than for my kids to be happy, well-liked by their peers and well adjusted. I know that there isn't any way for me to know that this is or isn't going to happen; but I can always hope that this will happen in their lives! The point I wan to make here is that even when YOUR world feels like it's being turned upside down, don't take it out on the innocent ones. The kids. They are our hope for the future!

Why can't we all just get along?

     Sundays are usually a lazy day for us. The kids and I go to church. If the BEAST had to work the night before we let him sleep. Then we usually go for ice cream cones and stop to get the ingredients for an early supper on the way home. Today I have decided that I'm going to share the experience I had in bible study today, since the topic of unconditional love has obviously been on my mind. I talked about being non-judgmental in my last blog post; and I'm hoping that his post can clear some things about my thoughts up.
     Our bible study today was about loving everyone as God does. Unconditionally, and without prejudice. Loving EVERYONE, whether or not you like them. God doesn't tell us that we have to like everyone, but he does tell us to love our neighbors as ourselves. I, for one need a lot more practice in that area! I do try to be non-judgmental and be nice to everyone...  My main problem with this is I have a very big problem with people who hurt me. It's so hard for me to forget at times. I do forgive, but forgetting is SO hard! There are some situations where it is really difficult for me to even be nice to people. I'm going to have to spend a lot of time in prayer to accomplish this. This is an area, as I said in yesterday's post; where he BEAST excels. He's very welcoming and warm to everyone. I'm not going to say that he doesn't get angry with people, because he does; but he truly tries to see the best in people at all times. I need to take some lessons from him in that sense.
     I don't know why God put this topic on my heart lately, but I feel that it was very important to get out. If one or any of the readers gets something out of this post, then I have succeeded in my goal. Just to get this message out there could mean so much. What if we all just tried to love each other instead of attacking each other? Being jealous of each other? Why can't we all just get along?

The BEAST

    Sitting here preparing for our day; I realized that I haven't said much about my husband, the BEAST. That is totally a term of endearment, not an expression of his behavior in any way. It was so great to find someone who so suited myself as far as work ethic and discipline goes. A man who was willing to welcome an emotionally insecure woman and two children into his life. That takes a strong man.
      I call him the BEAST because of his reputation. The BEAST was pretty well-known for having a bad attitude. We actually met through his aunt, whom I used to work with. I had asked several people I knew about him, and had gotten mixed answers. I figured the best thing to do would be to meet him and make my own decision... And the rest is history, or so they say. I entered into a very loving family. Not saying that mine isn't, but we weren't nearly as demonstrative as they are. With every phone call they all end with "I love you". We just didn't do that. I'm telling you this to demonstrate that appearances can be deceiving.   He has never treated myself or my children with anything but love and caring. 
      There are people in this world who could take some lessons from the BEAST. He's a wonderful, loving person. If you respect him, he respects you. He doesn't discriminate. I don't know many people who can be as open minded as he is. I have to work very hard to be non-judgmental sometimes. I have very strong instincts about people, but I try to give them a chance to prove me wrong, and I try not to judge at all. Sometimes, though, it's very difficult for me not to do so. I have to remember that it's God's place to judge. He created us all equal, and we need to keep that in mind when we meet people. We are here by His design. No other reason.

An Irrational Sense of Entitlement

          Now that you have met my entire family, I'm going to take you on some of our experiences. You know, every year at school they make you sell something? Whether it be candy bars, shirts, whatever. Well, the NP child had to sell tumblers. You know, the plastic cups with the lids? And they were expensive, let me tell you! Well, the kids that sold them got rewards. I believe there was supposed to be one level of reward if you sold 3; another level if you sold 6; etc. Well, the NP child was pretty diligent about it, and sold 3 of the overpriced cups. We were driving to school on the day she was supposed to turn in her order form and money, and I asked her "are you excited for your reward?" to which she replied: "Oh, it's not really a reward anymore, someone's mom called the school and complained that it's not fair to all of the kids if they have to sell the cups to get the reward, so now everyone gets it." Okey-dokie.... I stewed about this the whole way through dropping her off at school and dropping THAT child at preschool. 
            Everyone these days is complaining that kids, teens, young adults seem to think that the world owes them something, and that they have no work ethic. YA THINK?! What example is being set for them if parents are teaching them that they don't have to do anything to get the same rewards as someone who worked for it? This is a really sore subject for me, because the NP child is somewhat shy, and it's hard for her to go out and ask people to buy things. To all the parents who are complaining about the "irrational sense of entitlement" that your children seem to have, maybe you should look back and ask yourself "did I encourage it?"
           I know that not everyone grew up with parents like mine. My dad is about to turn 63 and works just as hard or harder than he did when he was 43. My mom works 2 and 3 jobs sometimes. I worked at a job I loved when the NP child and the GAMER were young. I had to change careers(still in the same field, just a different position) when THAT child was born, because I got carpal tunnel syndrome.  We moved several states away when THAT child was 2, and I haven't worked at a job since. I almost wish I did, I think I do more staying at home! The point I'm trying to make, and the point I made yesterday, is that everything starts in the home. Your kids observe your behavior and try to model after you. If you constantly defend your child and step in so that they get rewarded for not doing the work, they aren't going to do the work.
          When I was a kid, in the '80's and '90's, not everyone made the team just because they tried out. We didn't get awards just for participating. We worked for everything, we got disappointed, and that was alright, because life is full of disappointments! We were more realistic back then, and no one seemed to have the idea that everyone has to play, or the ones that don't have the ability should play. We didn't really get second and third chances at our schoolwork. If it wasn't done, it wasn't done. If I got a bad grade, I got the blame. Not my teacher.
          When I look around at what is going on in this world, it makes me sad. In no way would police officers been threatened and targeted the way they are now. The blatant disrespect of Beyonce's super bowl performance would never have been tolerated. And why are we allowing this? Because they feel "entitled" to their freedom of speech, freedom of assembly. While these are valid points, when they put the safety of other Americans into question, we need to question their motives. Yes, these people are entitled to certain freedoms as American citizens, but we don't need to tolerate the outcomes that those freedoms stir up.  I wonder what God thinks as he looks down on his creation right now. We need to humble ourselves before Him and repent, before it's too late.

Setting Boundaries

          Well, I have introduced ya'all to THAT child, and to the NP child; so I suppose it's time to introduce you to the remaining two, the BABY and the GAMER. The GAMER is the second-oldest and is an incredibly loving child with a very intense video game addiction. So intense that I chose to remove video games from our home. I believe that for this reason; he has decided to live with his father for the time being.  For a bit of background, he was introduced to video games at a young age. The NP child and the GAMER's father played video games; though not obsessively. When we split up the opportunity wasn't there, as they rarely saw their father(his choice, I did nothing to prevent him from seeing the children every weekend.).When I met my current husband and we began to build our life together the opportunity re-introduced itself, though in a far more primitive form.  I continued to struggle with him and his video game addiction through starting school and chores. He would often lie about having his homework and his chores done so that he could play his game of choice. If I went outside to do chores, he would sneak onto the game system. No amount of punishment helped, it was the same situation daily. This is the reason that the games were removed from our home. Now that he has decided to stay with his father, the video games have made a reappearance in his life, and from what the NP child has told me, his school work is beginning to suffer again.
          Now to introduce you to the BABY. She was the best decision I have ever made. The decision to have "just one more" before I turned 35. She is spunky and rambunctious, loving and innocent. There is nothing I love better than waking up to her babbling in the morning. She is a precious piece of innocence in my life. She loves animals and colors. Her favorite thing to do is to wake her daddy up in the morning.  I love taking pictures of her and taking her with me everywhere. When she snuggles up to me, my heart just melts. The same thing happens when I have to tell her no...and her little lip comes out and her eyes well up with tears...
           But, the point I am trying to make with the introductions of both the GAMER and the BABY is that children need boundaries. It doesn't matter if the problem is video game addiction or something as innocent as the BABY putting her fingers where they shouldn't be. There need to be boundaries in our children's lives. I often wonder if many of the problems that are going on in this country today may have been changed if the culprits had had parents that set clear boundaries? Had told them that they need to be home by curfew and followed through? Had shut off that violent movie they were watching and prayed with them? Satan is everywhere in this world, and all it takes is one person to stand up and say no....others will follow. As Christians, we need to lead by example, and that example starts in the home.

THAT child and the NP child

       I recently wrote about being the mom to THAT child. Well, as it turns out; I'm also the mom to his polar opposite, the NP(near perfect) child. This one does as she's told, the teachers love her, she makes friends easily....Does her chores without complaint, works hard in school...And I love her just as much as I love THAT child. My NP child excels at everything she does. She's a stand out athlete, has never gotten below a B in school; and basically loves everyone and everything. She's helpful and kind, and is easy to get along with. She is the child that makes you want to have another child. Even as a baby she was well-behaved and loving. 
          Having THAT child and the NP child actually works out very well, they compliment each other in several ways. They usually get along and the NP child doesn't mind watching THAT child.  Possibly it is because the NP child started out similar to THAT child. She didn't like going to preschool, and abhorred change. She was, in fact, the original THAT child. This is what gives me hope for the future with THAT child. I don't even care if he gets to be as near perfect as the NP child, I just hope that we see some progress that makes a difference for him. 
           The NP child is a great role model for THAT child. She's his calm in the face of chaos. His feelings are easily hurt, that's his nature. How we handle his meltdown often sets the tone for the day. He is a very intelligent child; and for some reason the NP child knows just how to approach the situation. She is organized and calm. Our lives are very structured, that's how I like to have them. Idle hands are the Devil's playground, as they say. Some think that over-structuring a child's environment can be bad, but my children crave that structure. They know what happens at any given time of the day. They know what time we wake up in the morning, what time we leave for school, what time we are picked up from school, what time we eat supper, what time we take baths/showers, and what time we go to bed. There is only one day that we change our routine, and that's Wednesday; when we go to bible study. 
           My children's relationship with God is also very important to me, and even to THAT child. By Tuesday he's asking when we are going to church again. God provides the oasis that brings us peace in this chaotic life. The NP child and THAT child also have several friends and role models at church. THAT child can be extremely introverted at times, and the kids and people he knows at church seem to draw him out at times. I truly hope that, in the next year we see a major breakthrough in THAT child's behavior and personality. I wish that everyone could see him as I do, in his relaxed environment, talking my ear off about something he saw that day. But instead most of them see a little boy who refuses to talk to anyone and hides behind mama.  Someday, I have faith that THAT child will also become an NP child!

THAT kid

            Do any of ya'all have THAT kid? The one that all the parents look at and think "OMG, that poor mom!" The one that is laying underneath the shopping cart in the store or crying because he doesn't want to go to school? Yep; I have THAT kid. But the thing those people don't know about THAT kid, is that everything that he does is done with such feeling, such passion; that it just couldn't be any other way. He feels so deeply, so intensely, that he doesn't know what to do with those excess feelings. He is the sweetest, most loving child when he's in that mood. He can play with his brother and sisters for hours.... Yes, I am the mom of THAT kid, and I love him more than words can say. I wouldn't have it any other way. If the rest of ya'all could only experience one day of what it's like to live with this whirlwind, you would realize how rewarding it truly is. Things that are broken can be replaced, but time with your children is precious and so fleeting.... I would much rather spend time loving my kids than worrying about the "stuff" that they might have broken.
           THAT kid is one of the treasures in my life, whether I always feel that way or not. There are some days that I get so frustrated; but I have to go on. There is no other alternative, above all, I am a mommy. I rarely get to go to the bathroom by myself or sleep a whole night in bed without at least one child in it, but that's the life I chose; and I wouldn't change it for anything.  I'm happy to live with THAT kid, and, if I do my job right, he may grow up to be one of THOSE kids who go out and make a name for themselves in this world. THAT kid is a shining hope for the future in a world filled with chaos, and I am going to do my best to mold him into a fine young man one day. But for now, I am content with allowing him to be THAT child, because innocence only lasts a short time. And who could do without kisses on my hands and "love you mama" as I leave him at preschool? Not this mama.